Expressing Your Feelings

Expressing your feelings is a funny thing. There seems to be such a thin line between appropriately expressing your needs and desires, and just pouring emotional pain onto others. As I've said before, it is vitally important to honour our feelings as valid, but that doesn't give us permission to use them as a weapon on others. So what does it look like when you are expressing your feelings in a healthy way?

I hate to admit it, but I was mad at my husband... yup, MAD! There's no reason to lay out all the details but basically, I needed some time to myself and he was working lots of extra hours. On Friday, I thought he would come home, he would be able to BBQ for us and we could have some nice down-time before a busy weekend. Late in the afternoon, the dreaded text message came to me saying he was staying late at the office yet again. Bang: let loose the anger and frustration, and all the nasty thoughts that came with it. I tried to text him back, but the old adage "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" came to mind and I held off. If I had tried to communicate my feelings to him at that time, my pain would have been speaking, not me. Even the nicest words would have come off as snarky and passive-aggressive, if not in word, then in energy. And believe me, people can sense the energy behind your words, some of us more than others.

Again, I could have talked myself out of my feelings. My husband did not mean to make me angry; he was just doing the best he could with his time and knowledge. I know that he was not trying to make me miserable. This is important information for me to realize, but it doesn't mean I should ignore my feelings. So what's a girl to do? Well, I had to take some time to acknowledge my feelings, and love the parts of me that were feeling them. I brought up each set of thoughts and feelings one at a time, let them flow (tears and all), and then said "I love you" to myself as kindly and lovingly as possible. I was being there for me. After a few minutes, I was able to calm down significantly. For the next little while, now and then, another feeling would come back, and I just repeated the process.

After taking this time with myself and my thoughts and feelings, I was ready to decide what to communicate to my husband. I waited until he came home, and I let him know what I had been hoping for and how I was disappointed. It wasn't perfect communication but I got my point across without hurting his feelings or beginning an argument. If I had dismissed my feelings, I might not have said anything to my husband at all, and then those feelings might have come back even stronger the next time something didn't go my way.

In my case, my unhealthy communication patterns tend to be passive or passive-aggressive, but I think the same process goes for those aggressive communicators out there. The tricky part might be catching yourself before you go off on someone. And if you miss the boat at first, it's not too late to say your "I love you's" to yourself after the argument is over and you are able to take time on your own. And even if your communication partner is not so loving and understanding as mine (I love you sweetie!), your self-love efforts can still make a positive impact on your communication and your relationship.

How do you express your feelings? Do you let your pain do your communicating for you? Let me know what you think!

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

© Amelie Rossignol and Heart Answers, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amelie Rossignol and Heart Answers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.