A Useful Engine

If you have ever seen the children's show Thomas and Friends, you may have noticed how obsessed each of those vehicles are about being a "useful engine." It seems ridiculous how much time and effort the engines spend in the pursuit of "usefulness," and yet it is something I see playing out just as intensely in the world around me. For example, when we meet someone new, one of the first questions we ask is: "What do you do?" It's as if we think we can get a good sense of who someone is by knowing what he or she does. Once we know someone's occupation we instantly decide how useful we believe that particular "doing" to be.

Like many others out there, I have trouble feeling useful. I'm not a particularly high-energy person, so I tend to take it easy. I don't fill my days with too many activities, and when I am working I take a lot of breaks. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and while most people will be politically correct and say that I work as hard as anyone else, I still get a sense of being "less" than someone with a "real" career.

Why are we, as a society, so obsessed with usefulness? Beyond the historical and sociological reasons, I think we have created this hook between self-worth and usefulness. If I contribute to society in measurable and tangible ways, then I know I am good enough to be on the planet and consume the physical resources that I do. I have this constant need to prove that I deserve to be here.

And yet, those times when I do feel useful, my self-worth is not really any more enhanced. Any peace I get for having accomplished a large to-do list is often quickly followed by thoughts of what more I could have done or of the recovery time I might need to "waste" the next day. I will even criticize the quality of my usefulness, thinking that while I did manage to clean the bathrooms, I didn't save a life or make a dollar to feed my family. On the one hand, I am so convinced that I my worth is increased by doing, and on the other hand, no amount of doing is ever enough to increase my self-worth.

Before you start telling me that I am worth being here simply by the fact that I exist, let me tell you that I know that. I have been studying spirituality for years and, mentally, I know that I am worth something and I have something to offer to the people of this planet. I understand that every cog is needed for the clock to run, that God makes no mistakes so I am no mistake, and that like the moon, I make waves just by being me. No matter what the explanation or the metaphor, I know it, but I do not feel it (at least, not yet).

When I look to my future, I want to be able to teach and heal others, and I know that I don't want to need to fill my schedule wall-to-wall with clients to feel like I've been useful. I feel that it's time to accept myself no matter how much I appear to get done, to stop trying to change myself into worthiness, and to stop doing things for no other reason than to feel more useful. So, I'm sending love to the piece of me that needs to feel useful, and I'm sending love and compassion to my laziest parts. I am giving myself full permission to stop trying so hard to be useful and to start being worthy as I am.

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© Amelie Rossignol and Heart Answers, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amelie Rossignol and Heart Answers with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.